Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NASB
As I reflect on 2016, I now realize that it wasn’t as magical and amazing as I blogged it to be. I lived a lifestyle that wasn’t pleasing to God and my deeply rooted Christian beliefs. I fell in love with a legally married man and although he and his spouse weren’t together well over a year before I came into the picture, I knew better than to even entertain any form of friendship or relationship with him. It ended being a well taught lesson tho. In loving him and being loved by him the way I have always desired I learned that love still exists. I learned that there are still good men out there. I know you’re probably thinking “how could you call him a good man when he was with you while married?” I get it, I’ve heard stories of women who traveled similar paths and asked the same things and called those women names that you’re probably calling me while reading this. It’s okay, I understand. I wouldn’t share this story if I didn’t have thick enough skin to handle the backlash……every test is supposed to bring about a testimony to help others and self. If I could really break down the entire situation I promise the judgment would decrease tremendously. Anyway…back to the reason for this blog.
In my sin, I learned more about self and God. Crazy, right??? I learned how forgiving He truly is. Not that I ever questioned it, but it’s one thing to hear testimonies from others then experience it for yourself. In the midst of my sin He still showed me grace and allowed me to experience things that I had never experience and only dreamed about experiencing. He still graced my sowing via tithes and serving in ministry……BUT when I got to the place where I no longer consciously defied His word and removed myself from the situation that’s when the RESTORATION began to surface. I won’t lie, it was extremely hard to really let go. I was given MANY signs and warnings and ignored them. I prayed SEVERAL prayers from day 1, I tricked myself into believing this was part of HIS plan to cross our paths because of his brokenness, his lost faith and my strength and strong desire to love and be loved just as intensely. How silly was I? I spent an entire year being loved, supported and pushed by a man who I adored and fell in love with him and his kids. Although necessary, the decision to part ways wasn’t easy. How do you just wake up one day and not have the man you shared a home with for a year? How do you not talk to the man who has literally become your best friend? How do you go back to dateless nights? How do you ignore so many memories with him and his kids? How do you begin to heal? How do you not think about the person you’ve shared literally every moment of your life with for a year? How do you not talk to someone that you have communicated with non-stop every day for a whole year? The 1st time we met we talked over 3 hours and still didn’t want to separate from each other. That type of connection, spark and chemistry can’t be forced or made up and it doesn’t come around every day. It’s not impossible, but these days it’s very rare. It also can’t be turned on & off like a light switch.
- To initiate the healing process from something that was so wrong but felt so right.
- To reach women who may be in similar situations and need someone to relate to
- To grow in my purpose and in my relationship with Christ. I’ve already been forgiven by Him in private, but now I’m led to have this public moment to forgive myself.
DATING TO COMPLIMENT OR DATING TO RESCUE
Are you dating to love or dating to rescue? My pastor asked me a similar question when I first went through my heart breaking breakup and reached out to him for counsel. After 1 year of dating this man I never thought of it as anything more than just meeting a good man who was dealt and extremely bad hand in love. Two imperfect people who made each other feel perfect in their togetherness……Come to find out I was dating to rescue. The same man who I sometimes shamed for his Superman complex was the same problem I had in my relationship with him. I was dating to rescue. Rescue a man who was battered by his good character traits. Rescue a man who had a less than normal childhood. Rescue a man who didn’t truly know life without somebody with their hand out and taking advantage of his big heart for those that meant something to him. I thought I was superwoman and could save this man. I thought by my genuine unconditional love I could lead him back to the faith that a toxic situation turned him away from. I thought I could, through my love and friendship, help and heal him. I was wrong. Just like he couldn’t save the broken man that he is or the broken people he was connected to, I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t magically fix all his broken pieces. I found that I wasn’t as healed and whole as I thought I was when it came to matters of the heart. I thought my 6 years of singleness was more than enough time to heal and give love a try again, and in a sense I was wrong. The timing was fine, but the problem is that I didn’t take it to God first before I went out “looking for love.” I didn’t talk to God first and allow Him to “send me my Boaz.” I, like most immature Christians, took matters into my own hands.
So here I am 3 months later, still healing. Here I am more driven to build a stronger relationship with CHRIST FIRST, myself second, and man last. In those 3 months I have gotten a new job, I have taken my vision for this blog and my life more seriously; I have stepped out of my comfort zone and started a new chapter of life that involves modeling. I have learned more about myself. I have met a guy, but I have also learned to list my non-negotiable and not feel some type of way for sticking to them. We live in a world where men and women will accept any type of behavior from one another just to be able to say that they have someone or so they can have posts to make on social media for “likes” from the masses of people who won’t hesitate to laugh at you behind your back when things fall apart.
If you’re reading this and you’re wondering how to deal with a situation like this or heartbreak in general, let me suggest this:
- Pray and ask for forgiveness from God then forgive yourself.
- Write out a detailed prayer for the man that you desire and give it to God. He ALWAYS knows best and wants to only give us the BEST!
- Don’t be ashamed of your sin, but don’t be proud of it either. Share your story so that you can move on and heal. Don’t bottle your emotions up. That causes more harm than good.
- Seek professional help if you need to. There’s a stigma in our culture that says if you see a professional then you’re crazy. No, if anything, you’re very sane and smart .You are acknowledging your issue and desire to get help to heal the RIGHT way. I’m currently in the process of starting counseling with my Pastor and Lady.
- Find joy in your singleness. Single doesn’t equal lonely. I’ve never been one that just felt that I “needed” a man to validate my worth. I guess that’s why for the most part I can bounce back pretty quickly from heartache and not become bitter towards all men.
- Lastly, forgive the man/men who caused you the hurt. You holding on to the pain and the source won’t help you any. They are still living their lives like normal and so should you.
I’ll leave you with this….
Date for love. Date for long term. Don’t settle and don’t be blind to the signs when God shows them to you. In all you do take it to God first then walk the path that He lays before. Walk boldly in His path. He will make provision and give you a peace like never before. Date to compliment. Be equally yoked with a man that compliments you. Think of it like an important piece of clothing for your best outfit. Like your shoes, without the shoes you can’t leave the house. Your partner should be the best addition to you and vice versa. There should never be a reason to hide your love for one another. There should never be a reason to question their loyalty to you. They should value your friendship and the relationship and guard it at all costs. Anything you value, you will protect. If he doesn’t stand up for you to his friends, family, strangers, etc. then take note and act accordingly. Don’t ever invest more than you’re getting the return on investment. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. Then Pray some more.