What Are You Afraid Of?

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Spiders. Snakes. Getting shot. Dying prematurely…..Ya know, the usual stuff LOL

Seriously though, If I had to narrow it down, my biggest fear lately has been that I will never get married and have a child or that I will end up having a child without being married first. At my core, I know in my heart that I am a great person and a strong, supportive mate. I have a deep love for kids and my maternal instincts are very strong (anybody who knows me can verify this LOL). On the flip side, I have my flaws and shortcomings just like anyone else. At times is has caused me to sabotage a potentially good thing, but I’m a bit jaded and even the wall around my heart isn’t as thick and tall as it’s once been, I still guard it like Fort Knox for all the obvious reasons.

I have been too good and sometimes not good enough in relationships. I have over reacted and not shown enough emotions. I have been overly sensitive and insensitive at the same time. Although I don’t fully believe in them, one thing I know for sure; being born under the Scorpio sign comes with a hopeless romantic personality. We really do love too hard and strong, and in my case sometimes, too fast. We are extremely loyal. There have been far too many times when I should have walked away from a situation but gave him another chance or three. 

There have been moments when “love” has gotten the best of me and I’ve wanted to give up on it all together and for a moment, I did. I remember going through a season where every dude I talked to married the very next woman he dated after me. That crushed my soul deeply. I felt like I was the “preparation girl” as if I was some coach who prepared men to finally be ready to settle down with a wife and kids. To a woman who desires marriage and a family more than life itself sometimes that was a major blow to my self-esteem. 

Thank God I found a good church home and was able to fall back in love with God and church and religion in general. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have moments where I wanna lay in bed all day and throw a pity party. My last relationship was the TKO to my heart and it’s been 2 years and I’m still struggling with it, but I’ve been to counseling and I know how to handle those weak moments (although sometimes I throw all that counseling out the window and let emotions take the driver seat) when they arise. 

But one thing I know for sure going forward in life: with God’s love I will never feel inadequate or undeserving of love nor will I ever suffer from a love lost. His love is never failing, unconditional and always available. No matter how much I mess up, how inconsistent I am with Him, He is always there to dry my tears and give my heart a new song to sing.

So there ya have it: my biggest fear in a nutshell.

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