I Hurt My Shadow

I was only a child myself when you came into this world bright eyed and full of life. Endless possibilities awaited you. You were the first grand and my reason for receiving the title of “aunt” and I had no idea what all that REALLY meant. I mean I was just a kid myself. You grew older and taller. Such a sweet, loving kid. Who couldn’t love you and I loved being able to play with you, my real life baby doll.

As you got older, of course, so did I. In a sense, we grew up together. I watched you go to school and walk across that stage to get your diploma. I was a proud Aunt in that moment. Over the years you ALWAYS looked up to me. You tried basketball and dance because of me but you also go on to join the band because of you. You were like a little me in so many ways and you always looked up to me although I never realized it until I became an adult and at times I didn’t properly handle the weight of that responsibility of being a role model for you. I set some bad examples along the way to finding myself.

You’re now an adult. You have your own life, your own struggles and even your own child. Who would have thought that we would end up here. YOU a mom?!?!? Wow. I still remember that nervous phone call like it was yesterday. You knew I would keep it all the way real with you but still love you. That’s why you’ve always considered me your safe space. I won’t sugarcoat at tell you what you WANT to hear but what you NEED to hear.

Here we are 2 years later and you will soon be welcoming another blessing into the world and I get to become a great-aunt for the 2nd time around. Whew! you’re taking me FAST baby girl LOL.

But this time things are different. I don’t hear from you as much, I don’t get those facetime calls from you and J like I used to. You don’t call me crying and needing advice or just to vent. What Happened? What did I do wrong? What is so bad that you can’t talk to me about it? I see your posts on SnapChat and I admit, I ignored them. I see now that I should’ve been more sensitive to them because something isn’t right. I can sense it. Something has changed. I was wrong to think it was just pregnancy causing the emotional rollercoaster on you. I was wrong for not reaching out instead of waiting to hear from you. I WAS WRONG!

Yesterday, Lady Britt was preaching and her message was about taking a stance and it made me remember all the prayers that I’ve been praying for all of us. So today, I’m putting that word into action and taking a stance. A stance to take back my family and unify us like never before.

Ashley, my first born, my shadow, my babygirl….. I LET YOU DOWN! and for that I publicly apologize and vow to not let life get me so busy that I forget my 1st duty is to my family. I am always, and will always be just a phone call, text, road trip away no matter what. If you ever felt like I didn’t love you or that things were too embarrassing to talk to me…you thought wrong. There’s absolutely NOTHING so bad in this life that I won’t help see you through with prayer and guidance. I may not always have the words to say and I may even come off like I don’t care and that’s wrong of me. No matter what we will ride this thing called life til the wheels fall off and then we will walk the rest of the way if we have to but just know it will always be a WE when it comes to you baby.

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